Bully, You're A Lot Like Me

A young girl stands up in front of an auditorium full of people.  She suffers through the shaky limbs and sweaty palms and sings her little heart out...."O Canada, our home and native land, true patriot love, in all thy sons command".  Her high school graduation day is finally here and she couldn't be happier to enter the next chapter of her life.  Oh, who am I kidding - the young lady I am referring to is me and how I really felt that hot June evening was that I couldn't wait to get the #@%& out of there - away from anything and everything that resembled school.

When asked to sing "O Canada" at my graduation ceremony, I did not hesitate for even a second.  I would love to tell you it was because I was proud to represent my fellow graduates but unfortunately, that couldn't be farther from the truth. How could I be proud of being part of a group who made me feel more alone that year than I had ever felt in my life?  My intention was to get up there and show those "mean girls" that I could not be broken.  I was stronger than that.  I mattered and I was going to prove it!  Sounds inspiring, doesn't it? Well, that may be how it would play out in a movie but not in this story.  My plan backfired.  The nerves combined with how frigging hot it was in the auditorium that night caused my voice to crack near the end of the song.   And then the all too familiar sound of laughter and giggling found my ears.  It was coming from behind me - whom?  My fellow graduates, yes!  They managed to humiliate me yet again, this time in front of the entire school.  Instead of leaving that evening with pride and confidence, I walked off stage with my diploma in one hand and a broken soul in the other.

In hopes of repairing that broken soul, I spent the next 10+ years choosing friends who were toxic and boyfriends who I thought I could change.   No matter how hard I tried to gain acceptance from these people it never happened.  I always walked away hurt, disappointed and feeling alone.

I did eventually learn who I could trust and who I needed to keep at arms length.  That in itself increased the quality of my life and I will be forever grateful.  What I never did shake off was the sick/anxious feeling I was overcome with when entering or even going near a school.   Avoiding them for the past 20+ years was easy - until my son turned 5 this year and the time came to register him for kindergarten.  I was left with no choice but to revisit the place I often referred to as prison.  Normally in these high anxiety situations, I would rely on Ativan to get me through, but this time I chose to face this fear dead on.  The last thing my son needed during his school years was his mother popping pills every time she visited his school.  It wasn't his fault his mother was a basket case.  lol!

Facing my fear took some time…..I was showered with all kinds of unexpected emotions and feelings, but once I was able to feel the pain again, this time without blaming anyone, I was able to see things much more clearly.    I now realize the people who hurt me were the ones with the broken souls, not me!  They were unable to accept themselves so making me suffer was their way to take the focus away from their miserable selves.  It would be unfair for me to place blame on others for ALL my pain and suffering.  Reflecting back through my childhood, I do remember periods of my life when I felt isolated from certain groups of people, even those who cared deeply for me.  Little 'ol me was not cool and I didn't fit in.

I recently spoke with a parent of a young girl who was being bullied.  When I asked if she was seeking counselling, the mom responded with "she needs to learn to stand up for herself".  Oh, boy!!! My heart broke when I heard her utter those words.  There are all sorts of things that could be spinning around in this teenager's head and without the proper tools to deal with these thoughts, she may spend the rest of her life blaming herself and thinking she is unworthy of happiness.  Or she may even feel she deserves to be treated badly.........like I did:(.  Children and teenagers often blame themselves for things that are out of their control.  That is why professional help is out there.  We are all different and we all need help in our own unique way.  If counselling would have been available to me back in the day,  I may have saved myself a lot of pain and suffering.    No matter how many times my mom told me "just ignore them, they are jealous", I still didn't get it.  My head was forever speaking the words "Paulette, you are the broken one!"  and I truly believed myself.

Please, if you know someone who is being bullied DO NOT ASSUME you know what is going on inside their heads. They may need someone outside of the situation to help them deal.  Thoughts can destroy a person.  I am fortunate that I never had suicidal thoughts, but my heart goes out to those who lose the battle.  It is a scary world out there and feeling like there is no way out is NOT a nice feeling.

Cheers

PJ 

P.S.  I am always here to listen :)

Glass vase therapy

My husband and I recently did some minor renovations to our bathroom.  He took care of all the preparation work and painting.  I was in charge of picking out the wall color and redecorating.   It sounds easy and for some,  I'm sure it is but for me, it could be 6 months before a room is done to my liking.  Even though I LOVE to shop, I often come home empty handed when I am out looking for home decor.  I am more of a yard sale/thrift store type girl.  I also enjoy taking an item that is old/used and transforming it into something unique. I love being able to tell a story about the things in my home, like the glass vase story I will share with you.  

It was a Sunday afternoon and this beautiful glass vase appeared beside my kitchen sink.  It was dirty and needed to be washed.  When I first laid eyes on it, I could feel my blood pressure rise.  This had my lovely husband's name written all over it.   I knew he hadn't brought it to the kitchen for a decoration!  He had been helping my dad with a plumbing job in the basement and needed a jug ASAP to dump some water.  I know I shot him a dirty look or rolled my eyes but I kept my lips sealed.  My mind was already entering creative mode and I was secretly thanking him for handing me my next bathroom decor project.

So on my next day off I got my Tim Hortons coffee and wandered the aisles of Home Depot.  I found black speckly spray paint that could be used on glass.   I painted the vase, let it dry for 24 hours, then added some dollar store flowers to it and voila. It is one of the first things I see when I walk into my bathroom and I love it! What makes it even more special to me is that it was given to me as a wedding shower gift a few years back.  When I see this vase it reminds me of that special someone. Lets just hope my dear husband has the sense not to use it as a reservoir!

When The Things You Love Are Out Of Reach

This  little phrase was posted on facebook by a dear friend of mine.   Her words that followed inspired me, in more ways than one.  She spoke about her decision to be a stay at home mom, the challenges she faced and how it all led to her finding herself and being herself.   I am so proud of you Kim!!  You did what was right for YOU and YOUR family and that takes courage.  You are an inspiration to women out there who are still finding their way.  

"Lose yourself in the things you love and you will find yourself there too."  I love the power these words hold.  Think about it for a moment.  What do you love to lose yourself in? What fun things or hobbies do you enjoy that make you feel like a kid again or like you are the only person that exists in the entire universe at that particular moment?  

If you are able to live in the moment, DO THE THINGS YOU LOVE, because "I am here to tell you" (famous quote from my awesome friend Janet) that for some of us, enjoying the present moment is an uphill battle.  My ability to focus is not what it used to be.   There are many things I was once able to enjoy for ME.  Unfortunately, it is not that simple anymore. Life has changed me.  One of my biggest challenges today is trying to focus.  My mind wanders A LOT.  I have a hard time focusing on one thing for any length of time.  Reading books, scrapbooking and even conversations with the people whom I am closest with are difficult for me.   Oh, how I miss those Sunday afternoons when I would snuggle in by the wood fire and get lost in scrapbooking, while I sipped away at my coffee and baileys.  For me, that was "my thing".  I LOVE LOVE LOVED it!  My husband would watch football and I would get lost in my own little world of pictures, paper and embellishments. 

I am not sure what caused the change in me, whether it was age, hormones, childbirth,  the stresses of being a parent/wife/trying to keep it all balanced?  Who knows?  What I do know is that I am tired.......tired of obsessing about it and trying so hard to get my old self back.  I thank my dear sister-in-law, Cindy.  She recently spoke these words to me.  "You can't FORCE yourself to enjoy something". It made me think.  If you have to try so hard to enjoy what you love, where is the enjoyment and love in that?  That was exactly what I needed to take the plunge and move forward.  So this is me surrendering!!  I choose to get lost in writing and hopefully it will open a whole new world of possibilities.

I would love to hear what your passion is and what world you get lost in?  Or, if you have struggled with any of the things I talked about.  Thank you to Cindy Allain, Janet Peabody and Kim Vroom for allowing me to mention your names in my post and for inspiring me by just being YOU!   Love you all!!!

ME (not sure what my blog name will be yet)