Bully, You're A Lot Like Me

A young girl stands up in front of an auditorium full of people.  She suffers through the shaky limbs and sweaty palms and sings her little heart out...."O Canada, our home and native land, true patriot love, in all thy sons command".  Her high school graduation day is finally here and she couldn't be happier to enter the next chapter of her life.  Oh, who am I kidding - the young lady I am referring to is me and how I really felt that hot June evening was that I couldn't wait to get the #@%& out of there - away from anything and everything that resembled school.

When asked to sing "O Canada" at my graduation ceremony, I did not hesitate for even a second.  I would love to tell you it was because I was proud to represent my fellow graduates but unfortunately, that couldn't be farther from the truth. How could I be proud of being part of a group who made me feel more alone that year than I had ever felt in my life?  My intention was to get up there and show those "mean girls" that I could not be broken.  I was stronger than that.  I mattered and I was going to prove it!  Sounds inspiring, doesn't it? Well, that may be how it would play out in a movie but not in this story.  My plan backfired.  The nerves combined with how frigging hot it was in the auditorium that night caused my voice to crack near the end of the song.   And then the all too familiar sound of laughter and giggling found my ears.  It was coming from behind me - whom?  My fellow graduates, yes!  They managed to humiliate me yet again, this time in front of the entire school.  Instead of leaving that evening with pride and confidence, I walked off stage with my diploma in one hand and a broken soul in the other.

In hopes of repairing that broken soul, I spent the next 10+ years choosing friends who were toxic and boyfriends who I thought I could change.   No matter how hard I tried to gain acceptance from these people it never happened.  I always walked away hurt, disappointed and feeling alone.

I did eventually learn who I could trust and who I needed to keep at arms length.  That in itself increased the quality of my life and I will be forever grateful.  What I never did shake off was the sick/anxious feeling I was overcome with when entering or even going near a school.   Avoiding them for the past 20+ years was easy - until my son turned 5 this year and the time came to register him for kindergarten.  I was left with no choice but to revisit the place I often referred to as prison.  Normally in these high anxiety situations, I would rely on Ativan to get me through, but this time I chose to face this fear dead on.  The last thing my son needed during his school years was his mother popping pills every time she visited his school.  It wasn't his fault his mother was a basket case.  lol!

Facing my fear took some time…..I was showered with all kinds of unexpected emotions and feelings, but once I was able to feel the pain again, this time without blaming anyone, I was able to see things much more clearly.    I now realize the people who hurt me were the ones with the broken souls, not me!  They were unable to accept themselves so making me suffer was their way to take the focus away from their miserable selves.  It would be unfair for me to place blame on others for ALL my pain and suffering.  Reflecting back through my childhood, I do remember periods of my life when I felt isolated from certain groups of people, even those who cared deeply for me.  Little 'ol me was not cool and I didn't fit in.

I recently spoke with a parent of a young girl who was being bullied.  When I asked if she was seeking counselling, the mom responded with "she needs to learn to stand up for herself".  Oh, boy!!! My heart broke when I heard her utter those words.  There are all sorts of things that could be spinning around in this teenager's head and without the proper tools to deal with these thoughts, she may spend the rest of her life blaming herself and thinking she is unworthy of happiness.  Or she may even feel she deserves to be treated badly.........like I did:(.  Children and teenagers often blame themselves for things that are out of their control.  That is why professional help is out there.  We are all different and we all need help in our own unique way.  If counselling would have been available to me back in the day,  I may have saved myself a lot of pain and suffering.    No matter how many times my mom told me "just ignore them, they are jealous", I still didn't get it.  My head was forever speaking the words "Paulette, you are the broken one!"  and I truly believed myself.

Please, if you know someone who is being bullied DO NOT ASSUME you know what is going on inside their heads. They may need someone outside of the situation to help them deal.  Thoughts can destroy a person.  I am fortunate that I never had suicidal thoughts, but my heart goes out to those who lose the battle.  It is a scary world out there and feeling like there is no way out is NOT a nice feeling.

Cheers

PJ 

P.S.  I am always here to listen :)